July 1996

Monday 1^st July  

Hello!  I’m sort of ill.  Sunday was church that was good.  But never ask me to work the OHP again.  Then I went to school for a drama rehearsal.  It was ok but I was the only “hen” who turned up.  Monday, I didn’t go to school.  Watched TV, films + tennis.  Sarah says it was industry morning and games.  All boring, school tomorrow?!  Maybe I don’t know though.  Bye. 

Tuesday 2^nd July

Hi! I haven’t done much today.  Just watched TV.  I like Tim Hennman.  Sports day tomorrow I don’t know what I am doing but I can do most things.  So it should be ok Bye. 

Thursday 4^th July

Hi!  Sports day got called off ‘cos of rain.  Andy came round.  I suppose you saw what happened.  Is it the right thing to be doing?  I don’t think it’s exactly Christian.  We are not even going out.  Today was school, boring.  Debbie is sort of ignoring me.  I’m not in a group!  Everyone else seems to be.  Or am I the right one and they are the weird ones?  I don’t know.  3 ½ days till the summer holidays.  I will earn some money if I can.  These are the following list of people that I’d like to see… Marilyn (from SU), C (from SU), Becca (from church), Beth (from SU), He;en (from primary school), Lindsay (from primary school), (Yr 7, yr 8, + yr 9 [some]).  Anyway I’ll write tomorrow bye. 

I suppose you saw what happened with Andy means, I was snogging / getting off with / making out with Andy.  Whatever you want to call it.  Here began a debate that went on for the 6 years until I got married.  What was ok to do with boyfriends, what wasn’t ok, what was going too far?!  The only black and white bits were cuddling / kissing / snogging was ok.  Having sex before marriage definitely wasn’t going to happen.  All the rest in between was one big hazy grey area that I struggled with as a Christian teenager. 

Saturday 6^th July

Hi!  I didn’t write last night.  I was too tired.  Not much happened really.  We are going to gatecrash Garforth young life (inter church youth group) and dancing.  Mum and Dad are going to work.  Bye. 

Hi!  Jane (girl a school a couple of years above me) was at dancing.  It was really embarrassing.  I went into town with Madeleine (neighbour), then swimming.  Taryn came to YL.  We went to Garforth.  It was cool.  I suppose that you know what Taryn wrote.  I think I should talk to Andy first before I write anything back to her.  It was only friendly teasing.  But I think that maybe I shouldn’t have bitched about her so much.  So I will talk to Andy before I do anything else.  I leave my problems and worries in you.  Much love, bye. 

Sunday 7^th July

Hi!  Have not got much time, but I rang Andy and I’ll write back to Taryn.  Got to go.  Church family service was good. 

Monday 8^th July

Hi!  School drama, went ok.  Louise’s party + leotard rehearsal went ok.  I’m tired.  I’m moving in with Chrissy (From dancing.  I.e. we are becoming closer as friends).  I don’t like Rachel that much though.  Write tomorrow bye. 

Tuesday 9^th July

Hello.  School drama.  Lizzie and Year 8 Lord help them.  Dancing was ok.  Not much else happened.  Grandma’s here.   Bye

Wednesday 10^th July

Hi.  School drama, last time, school finished yeah!!  First night of dancing, went ok, could have been better, not much else happened.  Bye. 

Thursday 11^th July

Hello.  I’ve just slobbed around today.  Went to the library though.  Dancing show was ok, but funny.  Had a row with mum (I can’t remember what about though).  I think she’s a bit stupid sometimes, why can’t she just believe me?  I really should write back to Taryn tomorrow.  Bye, love you. 

Friday 12^th July

20-mile bike ride was fun but tiring.  Not much else happened.  I just wrote back to Taryn.  Love you, bye. 

Sunday 14^th July

Hi!  I didn’t write yesterday, I was too tired.  Didn’t do much Saturday morning.  But in the afternoon I went out with Chrissy.  The lads in her gang are quite nice.  I wouldn’t mind getting off with Phil!!  Last night of the show, it was a really good week on the whole.  Today I went to church.  In the afternoon I assembled the BBQ then the Becca’s family came for tea.  It was fun. I had a nice long bath then I watched the Tour (de France).  What shall I do about Taryn?  I don’t know what to make of it.  No one from Yearsley grove likes her.  Think about it, I would like an answer sooner rather than later.  Love you, bye. 

Monday 15^th July

We did it again.  I think we’re going a bit too far.  There’s nothing wrong with kissing.  But I guess you saw what happened.  I went to the sports course.  It was fun.  I just watched TV and videos this morning.  Help I think we’ve gone too far this time.  Please give me some answers.  Help, much love. 

I think we were probably touching each other either under or over clothes.  I think I kind of liked it but at the same time thought it was wrong.  The debates and arguments I had with myself over this!  In the secular world it would have been fine, some teenagers have sex at 14.  But in my young Christian teenage mind I wasn’t sure what was ok and what was not. 

Friday 19^th July

I haven’t written for 4 days.  I’m sorry.  To be perfectly honest with you I just plain forgot.  Every morning this week I have just mucked around.  This is what I did on the sports course. 

Monday	Trampolining	Rounders
Tuesday	Tennis	Trampolining
Wednesday	Badminton	Archery
Thursday	Orienteering	Trampolining
Friday	Trampolining	Squash	Rounders

I did my preliminary trampolining award today.  I was dead chuffed.  We did rounders as well.  Sorry I’ve neglected you a bit.  I go on camp on Monday.  Then the week after I hope to do the Uni sport course again.  I will write tomorrow.  Bye, much love. 

The sports course was at the University of York.  I remember doing the course for a lot of years during the summer holidays.  I enjoyed it though.  My parents both worked full time, so it was stay at home with our Nanny / cleaner, arrange to do things with friends or do the sports course. 

Sunday 21^st July

Hi!  Went into town with Mark yesterday on to YL.  I’m going to camp tomorrow, I’ve been to church but not much else today.  I will write from camp tomorrow, Bye. 

Monday 22^nd July

The journey was long, tiring and boring.  We played a game, and then went swimming.  Tea was nice.  The evening meeting was cool. What if God?  It was interesting.  Then we played rounders.  It was ok but I couldn’t run.  The “after hours” was really interesting but I should talk to someone.  Help, help, help.  Help tomorrow go really well.  Bye

Tuesday 23^rd July

Hi!  I had a really good talk last night with the other three girls in Monday room.  I’m going canoeing today but I don’t know what else. 

Canoeing was fun.  The leaders said they didn’t have the heart to tell us to be quiet last night when we were talking about how we became Christians.  I suppose you arranged that.  Shall I go biviing (bivouacking)?  Should I talk to a leader like Marilyn?  I think I should.  If you agree please give me the courage to talk to them.  Thanks for a great day so far.  I will write again later.  Bye for now. 

We lost loads at volleyball.  I was talking to Jane (leader) about school and stuff.  Wallace and Gromit was cool.  I then lost at pontoon and black jack, won cheat and came second in cheat.  Thanks a lot bye. 

Thursday 25^th July

On Wednesday I played tennis and basketball.  Then I did music + putting.  The teaching is really good.  On Thursday we did music, swimming and a car treasure hunt.  We also went biviing.  It was good.  The teaching is great, so was the singing.  I’ve talked to a few leaders they are really easy to approach.  Sorry I missed yesterday bye. 

Saturday 27^th July

Thanks for an absolutely brilliant camp.  The teaching, food, activities, friendship were all good, great, brill, excellent.  On Thursday I can’t remember what we did.  On Friday I did craft, went to Holy Island, had the awards they were cool, then for a walk.  Today it’s a knockout and then home.  Thanks for a great week.  What about a CU at school?  Please make it so I can go to the camp reunion at Christmas.  Thanks, bye. 

This week I think was North East Summer Special, a Scripture Union (Christian) holiday.  I started going on Scripture Union holidays when I was 10 I think and then went on one or more a year until I was 18.  They were a really influential part of my growth as a Christian.  Friends I made on these holidays I am still in touch with today.  And one is still a close friend.  They were a great support in learning how to be a Christian at school.  I set up Christian Union’s / groups in both my secondary schools. 

Eating wasn’t an issue yet here.  I think eating became an issue in the next academic year. 

Sunday 28^th July

Dear God, Thanks for Sunday school and thanks for an ok day.  Tea was nice.  I’ve nearly written all my letters.  I had a really good talk with Michelle (from church), back to uni sports course tomorrow bye. 

Monday 29^th July

Hi!  Thanks for a great day.  Uni was cool.  Thanks for letting me talk to Michelle last night.  Please make dads YACA stuff go well and Jill’s ankle get better bye love. 

YACA was a charity my dad was involved in and that I also did some stuff for.  Things like helping elderly ladies with their shopping or doing it for them etc.  

June 1996

Tuesday 25^th June

Debbie made up with me on Monday. I think Katy had been talking to her.  Should I say sorry to Louise?  Or should Debbie?  Is it right that Debbie said that Louise is just being stubborn, or am I?  Or even both of us? 

Should I be going around with Andy (friend and ex-boyfriend / my first boyfriend)?  Should I leave him and Taryn to it?  Should we be meeting him?  Should Taryn (church friend) be coming full stop?  Shall I do what Chrissy said and not see Andy for ages and see if he falls for it?  Should I like / fancy him?  Is Taryn stupid in picking fights?  Was right to keep quiet? Have I failed or done the right thing with Debbie?  What about Louise?  Should I dump Taryn?  Is it the right thing a Christian should do?  Please give me some answers soon.  I’m not sure where I stand.  Yours truly, you’re my Saviour. 

Tired and confused ramblings of a teenager just turned 14.  The complications and bitchyness of school fallouts coming to a head.  I can’t actually remember what this argument was about, but it was important at the time!  Also here I am debating whether to get back with an ex-boyfriend or whether another friend fancies him. 

Wednesday 26^th June

Not much happened today.  England are out of Euro ’96.  School 7 days this week.  Groan, dancing tomorrow, RS – brill, PSE – boring.  As I said not much happened, so there’s not much to write.  Bye yours truly. 

Thursday 27^th June

Not much happened.  It’s not much different when I’m friends with Debbie and when I am not.  She still teases me it still hurts.  I was annoyed that I couldn’t go and get my party food.  It’s my party tomorrow.  Bye. 

Saturday 29^th June

Hi!  I didn’t write yesterday because of my sleep over.  Some bits went really well.  But I can’t believe what Taryn did.  How could she do something so stupid?  I’m really embarrassed.  I never want to see Andy’s mum again just out of embarrassment.  Saturday was an ok day.  School fete was a bit cold but all right.  I died of tiredness at dancing.  YL was cool as usual.  Church tomorrow.  If Taryn comes fine if she doesn’t I’m not bothered, drama rehearsal at school tomorrow.  Bye. 

I’m trying to remember what happened at my 16^th birthday that was so embarrassing.  I’m guessing that Taryn kissed Andy in front of his mum or said something embarrassing to or about Andy in front of his mum.  

Introduction

As a teenager I wrote a diary for 8 years regularly and odd bits thereafter.  From 1996 (age 14) to 2004 (age 22) I’ve thought about writing a book, but wondered if it would be worth reading!  I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog of my teenage years and bits of my diary.

So where do I start.  The diaries of a disordered eating teenager.  I’ve been thinking about writing this for years.  And somewhere I started before.  I’ve hunted out old computer backups and have found a few months typed up.  I’ve been trying to think of how to do this. 

I thought about changing people’s names but I think it’ll get too confusing for me as I write so I'm just going to go for it.  I very much doubt most of the people in it will ever read it!  My diaries date back to June 1996 so I would have just turned 14.  It’s odd reading back now, reading between the lines and trying to put memories to my writings.  And some of it is just illegible! 

I became a Christian when I was 11 after being brought up in a Christian family.  I have always been to church and Sunday school.  From the age of nine I went on Christian holidays. 

After the second of these I was at my church youth group when I prayed with a leader.  I decided that I believed that Jesus died for all the wrong things I had done in her life and that I wanted Jesus to be my friend and to have a relationship with him. 

Most of my diary is written as prayers and letters to God.  This may or may not come across as I type it up and edit it.  You join me just after I turned 14.  I was in year 9 at a small private girls day school. 

So at 14 school was ok ish.  Eating was pretty normal at this stage.  I went to York College for Girls, a Church of England independent secondary school.  I went there from year 7, age 11, to October of year 10, age 14.  We were told that York College was going to close down because it was getting too small and not making enough money.  I left in October as I was at the start of my first GCSE year.  I think the school closed the next July.  I moved to Bootham, a local independent Quaker school.  Some of the time it was ok, but a lot of the time I hated it.  This was one of the causes of my eating disorder that was to develop. 

My diary starts in June 1996, just after my 14th Birthday, just before the summer holidays started…